By: Jason Songe
Welcome to our coverage of Blessing by Fire Bowl: NDS vs. St. Ben’s. We’re coming to you live on this windy Friday afternoon from St. Ben’s Seminary in St. Benedict, Louisiana. It’s time to throw it out to our our pre-game commentators, Al Michaels and Cris Collingsworth.
AL: I’m Al Michaels, and right beside me is Cris Collingsworth.
CRIS: Al, I’m so excited about this matchup today between Notre Dame Seminary’s Militia Immaculata and St. Ben’s Seminary’s something-or-other. We are here in the woody, tucked-away confines of St. Benedict, Louisiana, and I tell ya, this is gonna be a thrashing the likes of which the Earth has never seen.
CRIS: I mean, I like a well-fought, closely-matched nailbiter like anyone, but sometimes I also like to watch a team turn in on itself and implode, forming a black hole out of which no football skill or chance at winning can escape.
AL: If I’m being honest, Cris, the only worry NDS has today is that the pure lack of motor function and coordination exhibited by St. Ben’s will somehow rub off on them.
CRIS: Like a radiation leak?
AL: Exxxxxactly, Cris.
CRIS: Let’s go now to our sideline reporter, Aristotle. Totes, how is St. Ben’s going to handle the strength and excellence and good manners and charity and overall awesomeness of NDS?
ARISTOTLE: “If, now, being and unity are the same and are one nature in the sense that they follow each other in the same way in which a principle and a cause do, but not in the sense that they are signified by one formula, seeing that “one man” and “being a man” and “a man” are the same and that the added word in “one man exists” does not make it signify something other than…”
CRIS: Thanks, Throttle. I love that guy. Do you have his audio tapes? I just like to lie down in bed and have him talk to me. I swear I wake up smarter.
AL: Cris, who do you foresee making a splash on the NDS defense?
CRIS: Well, I’m sure each of them will have at least one interception. That’s a given. Like an objective truth that just hasn’t happened yet? Back to your question, though. Defensive Captain Andrew Gutierrez can read the quarterback like a children’s book. If he didn’t love Jesus so much, I’m sure he’d be giving Lawrence Taylor a run for his money in the NFL. He actually sent us a message to read to St. Ben’s. Andrew says:
“None of you guys have supernatural grace of orders, the orders which dispose us to serve you a healthy dose of shame no matter how prepared you think you are from the new Heavy Weights Initiative.”
AL: Cris, that’s very reasonable talk right there. Everything he said was true.
CRIS: Sure was.
AL: What about on the offensive side for NDS?
CRIS: Will Fruge. The Fruge. Al, to be honest, I don’t like to think about how good he is because I always end up in the emergency room. Every darn time I try to wrap my head around this kid’s abilities, my brain kinda short-circuits. I break out into a cold sweat, the room starts spinning, and I wake up surrounded by my family. So, maybe let’s skip the offense, ok?
AL: You got it. We are seconds away from this game beginning. I’d say the only way St. Ben’s could win this game is if a philosopher showed up and convinced everyone numbers don’t exist.
“The inches we need are everywhere around us. On this team(NDS), we fight for that inch.
On this team, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for that inch. We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch.”–Al Pacino
About the Author: Jason Songe
Jason is a seminarian in Pre-Theology 1.
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